there are just somany friends whom i treasure lots but i lost them because of various reasons.
everyday, when i am on the long bus trip home,
listening to sad music,
i keep asking myself what is wrong with me...
i found many answers...
and i found many memories at the same time...
why did our relationship became like this?
to:
kangsing (p1-p3)
always beside me for that 3 years. thinking about it, i really cannot really remember much about what we shared in common. but i remember i was really happy with you around. but...after p4 streaming, other than prefect meeting, i did not talk to you. so i lost you. and now...i will never find you back.
sijia:
6 years. although there are misunderstandings and everything, you are still my good friend . still remember going out with you and dawn in sec1 and we took 2 sets of neoprints. did not get to see you for 3 years...although you are now just at njc, i never get to meet you even once these 1.5 years. although i see you online, on facebook, i really don't know what to tell you. what to talk to you about. but i really miss primary school life. i miss talking to you...i miss going co with you too...
hairou:
5 days of obs. 2 weeks of roommate. i miss those times. although you have xiaojie temper, you are a really nice friend. planning my birthday for me, bringing me to ice-skate around, making cookies for syf present, making stars and hearts telling me to jiayou for syf, sharing the same toilet without quarrelling who to bath first for 2 weeks, running around the long corridor in shanghai at night, sharing how much we miss home together, why are there so many memories? now, when i think of those, when i saw the hearts and stars, when i thought of how our relationship is now, why it happen so sudden? why? why? why? why you start to move away from me? why now when we see each other we only say hi? smile? i want to talk to you about what happen in my life. i want to hear you sharing with me your things too. i miss those times last year...everytime when i call you now, you give me that surprised/irritated face, this really hurts. i...really lost another good friend right? what is wrong with me...
last...kymberly.
you wrote me 2 letters. the first one, i threw it into the dustbin. that letter hurts. when i read it, i didn't know that you actually don't know me that well. you don't understand what i am trying to do. but i can understand why you felt that way. but kymberly, aren't we ionic bonds? why now we are like in the gaseous state? why? sharing problems with each other, updating you about what happen to me through the weekend, you telling me about yours too, when you are sick you sms only me, there was even one month when i sms you so much that my sms went up to 1500, always accompanying me to canteen even though you have bread, always waiting for me for recess, did all group/pair works together, prepared a fab jaejoong board for me when i first fell in love with jaejong last year, going to yourhouse during holiday to do homework, cheering me up when i do badly for test, bought me the jaejoong keychain which is still hanging on my handphone, we talk so often that last year i could even know whcih days you have tuition, which days you have training, which days you have korean class, letting me use you itouch when you first got it, letting me use your crystal phone for the whole physics period when you first got it, your bright smile when you recieved your present from me and the rest, talking about kpop stuffs everytime, laughing together, watching dance subaru together, and many more. all these just happened not long ago. but why do i keep having the feeling that you are so far away fromme now? do you know, when pat goh tell me if i have any problems with chem this year, i can just approach you, she knows i am very good with you. even teachers know we are very close, but what happen? i really cannot accept the reason to why you are so close to samantha now is because of the 1 week of torture you 2 went through together. i cannot accept that you actually ignored me in class. i cannot accept that even though we get to talk to each other we only talk 2 sentences. i cannot accept that i am just someone to replace samantha during toba trip. i cannot accept that you can talk to HUIKER even more than me. i cannot accept that huiker is sitting nearer to you than me. i cannot accept that you actually waited for her for lesson and did not even care about me. i cannot accept that you are helping her throw litter today and you cannot see that i am holding a plastic bag in my hands too. i cannot accept that your reason to why we are drifting away is because i get closer to yvonne. do you know that i am closer to yvonne now is because you always talk to samantha and never cares about me? do you know that i keep waiting for you all to ask me 'huilin, going for recess' again? do you know that everytime when you sit in the audi you always sit with samantha and huiker and i am left alone? do you know that at situations when i am left alone i am really lonely? do you know that at those moments when i am lonely yvonne is there for me? do you know that i am really tired of waiting for you to ask me 'huilin, want to come my house do work together?' again? do you know that i am really hurt when i knew that you went out with the rest of them without asking me if i am free to go out with you all on that day? do you know that i totally gave up on our friendship when you all planned for jingle's birthday surprise and left me out? do you know that when you ask me 'huilin, are you free on the thurs of sept holiday? we go eat seoul garden' i was really happy? do you know that THAT SENTENCE made me thought that i was still your good friend? do you know all your actions are hurting me now? i concluded. i lost my best friend. i lost you. i cannot find you back no matter how much i try. just to tell you something. i keep telling myself NOT to wait for you (all), not to find you(all) again, not to walk to the back of the classroom, but i cannot help it but always stop and see how you (all) are doing. i may not be your best friend now, but kymberly, just to tell you. no matter when you will need me to be by your side or anything, i will be there for you. i just miss having you sitting beside me, i just miss eating with you during recess, i just miss studying with you, i really miss laughing/talking with you.
keeping a friendship long is really difficult. i love to make people happy even though i may not be happy. i will always think of my friends first. i am willing to sacrfice my time to hear their sorrows, to hear their stories.i don't mind waiting sillyly for my friend for many months to wait for her to realise that i am left out. i know i have friends out there who are doing the same thing. thank you denise and amanda. every friend is important to me. none of you can replace any of my lost friends. so even if i lost these 4 good/best friends, they will still be the same. i will always remember the good memories because the bad ones really hurts when thinking about it. denise amanda, i love you.
